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#LockdownZim Day 17: Cool People & the Lost Art of Shutting the Eff Up

#LockdownZim Day 17: The New Cool Kids & the Lost Art of Shutting the Eff Up
A few days ago, musician, poet and incorrigible controversy addict Ntsiki Mazwai threw a spicy shade at South African men who she said have small whangers. In a public tweet which left her followers in stitches and enraged some, she […]

A few days ago, musician, poet and incorrigible controversy addict Ntsiki Mazwai threw a spicy shade at South African men who she said have small whangers. In a public tweet which left her followers in stitches and enraged some, she said,

“I find that South African men are generally small sized penis men.”

One would assume that she has jazzed all of them to reach such a foolhardy conclusion.

North of the Limpopo River, two wholeass Zimbabwe celebrities Mudiwa Hood and Genius Ginimbi Kadungure had a risible exchange last week over who looked better than the other. Mudiwa, a gospel rap artist, teased Ginimbi that he was jealousy of his “handsomeness”. Ginimbi, who is famed for his wealth, was quick to fire a volley at Mudiwa reminding the musician that he was not only shitting him as beautiful girls find him attractive but also that when it all boils down, looks don’t pay the bills.

Elsewhere, disc jockey Shimza was dragged and accused of being rude to his followers after he had insulted an upcoming DJ Ceega Wa Meropa who tweeted asking the South African DJ to invite him to one of his lockdown shows. Meropa asked everyone to retweet his tweet so that he can get the attention from the popular music producer. Shimza finally gave him the attention, but it ended on a sour note. He told Meropa that he needed to stop harassing him as it was annoying. But you know, black twitter being black twitter somehow managed to humble the celebrity who thought he was above everyone. Fans called for the boycott of Shimza’s set on channel O. Shimza ultimately buckled and eventually apologised for his behaviour, saying he must have remembered to hold himself to a “higher standard”.

Still in Mzansi, BBC journalist Solomon Izang Ashoms took to Twitter on Tuesday and posted: Nigerian men are economically damaged, South African men are emotionally damaged, Zimbabwean men are psychologically damaged, Kenyan men are morally damaged.

“That’s my observation,” he wrote.

Wow! He must be a kickass analyst.

In another episode of making our celebrities the society’s mouthpiece, Netherland-based Zimbabwean songstress and exhibitionist Vimbai Zimuto said that the 21-days lockdown period aiming at flattening the novel coronavirus curve was a blessing in disguise for official wives to rekindle their romance with their cheating husbands. That men were locked indoors, according to her, meant that side chicks were out of the question and that wives get to own what’s theirs. She even offered her newest single Kupakichwa as a soundtrack to the period. Wait a minute! Someone, please, remind me what are the health officials saying concerning social distancing and self-quarantining practices on the question of couples, sex and COVID-19?

Somewhere on the digital streets, gospel artist Sabastian Magacha‘s junkie is making rounds, leaving tongues wagging on who leaked the Bhosvo hitmaker’s phallus. Everybody, including fellow celebrities, got their two cents on the matter. From sympathisers to the victimisers, it is getting out of proportion.

See, our celebrities don’t seem to calm down, do they? The tabloids are full of stories where they have been dragged into some storm for speaking their minds or just waffling absurdities on social media.

It is very rare to hear anyone — celebrity, musician, socialite and creative – shutting their mouth up on certain things or say “No comment”. Nobody is willing to admit they could possibly be wrong about anything. Even when presented with factual evidence, today’s ego-driven star and serial sayers-of-stupid-shit will say some unthinkable stuff, at worse, and would go on to say that they may have been taken out of context. It’s almost as if admitting a mistake in stringing their nonsensical sentences together lessens their credibility. As if they ever had any.

Nevertheless, I truly believe that these cool people are pure of heart in their viewpoints. Their ability to contort themselves in a way that always ends up on the opposite side of the culture, though, is evidence that not shutting the fuck up is their occupation, and as the new standard-bearers, they would be hated less if they just said it.

The conundrum is: Are our celebrity stars obliged to speak out on social issues or on things they don’t understand? Should they only do so when they are in lockstep with the culture’s thinking lest we label them traitors and cast them onto the new cool kids’ bandwagon that’s more disruptive as opposite to conformists?

Perhaps the answer is different for all of us, but until it is definitive, our cool people should just rap, cover wide-receivers, deliver the news, shuck-and-jive in the front seat of their extravaganza cars or just simply, shut the fuck up.

ImChris Charamba

Head Storyteller/Critic at Large in Culture at Enthuse Afrika

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