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Seven Things Zimbabweans Should Let Go

PICTURE: 4ormypeople.com
Every now and then I like to drop some knowledge. Here is a list of things the Zimbabwean community needs to stop embracing. PICTURE: 4ormypeople.com

The VIP/VVVVIP

Shrewd event organisers have figured out a loophole to siphon money out of the pockets of attendees by sectioning off the part of the club or concert no one wants to sit in and calling it “The VIP section.” Sometimes, they go as far as putting all the Vs left on the planet on a section, just to get more money. The more Vs a section has, the more “importance” it suggests.

It appeals to that narcissistic part of the new millennium brain that wants to let everyone know they’re a little better than you. Everyone wants to be on stage, even if they can’t sing. But tell you what, here’s who never has to pay for VIP: Very important people. If you walk in through the same door as everyone else who attended, you’re not very important. If your drinks aren’t comped by the club owner, you’re not VIP. If you’re paying twice the price for something everyone else is getting for free, you’re not VIP.

VIP is a scam. Listen, as one of the most prolific consumers of alcohol in Zimbabwean history (or maybe an aspiring), I have done the complex algorithms of bottle service vs going to the bar and waiting for the bartender to notice me, and the wait time is about the same. VIP waitresses are never prompt because the flaw in the design of the VIP system is that once you have paid for your bottle, you aren’t obligated to tip any more. Besides, what is the appeal of buying an entire bottle and having to fix your own drink?

Much Ado About Celebrity Sex Tapes

What you do in the privacy of your bedroom is your business unless it’s a sex tape that gets leaked. I mean people have sex! And it’s normal, and most of the time fun and great! And sometimes, people want to document that fun and great time they’re having for a whole range of reasons. Maybe you and your partner want to watch it later and do some play-by-play review. Maybe just the knowledge that a camera is rolling makes the act hotter than hot—even if you never watch the video afterwards. Starring in a sex tape is like starring in the biggest hit movie of your career—especially if the closest you’ve come to starring in a hit movie is never!

The point is that making a consensual sex tape in the privacy of one’s own home is nothing to be ashamed of. Yet, tapes of celebrities doing the same do equal notoriety, more fame or irreversible damage to nearly clean images.

Now there has been much ado about sex tapes that almost every hottie celebrity we know have been alleged to have made one. Like I have been in many WhatsApp groups and personal chats where folks hit your line up with requests for Ammara Brown, Ruby, Sandra Ndebele, Enzo Ishall and most recently Alick Macheso sex tapes. Damn, these online spoof sites are misleading us and we are gullible because it has become a common hobby for jobless Zimbabweans to publicly shame local celebrities with hoax sex tapes and nudes. Pathetic!

Pitying Jah Prayzah & Winky D

You want to be sure to start an argument with passionate, worst musical fans ever? Ask them who does it better between these two titans, Jah Prayzah & Winky D. Given enough time you’d argue all week or even get your mother insulted for supporting either. These two have the worst camps ever!

Fortunately, because you loudmouthed and twitter-fingered warriors have been voicing your opinions since like forever, we can tell which one has the most mass appeal. But since none of you is ready to hear that, I’m going to settle this amicably: Soja & The Ninja President are both most high-energy vocalists ever. You can hear it oozing through their recordings, let alone if you see them perform live on stage. The amount of honours, awards, and halls of fame that they have in are endless and they both are or will be in nearly music hall of fame too. So, let’s stop with the unproductive arguments!

Taking Advice From Bullshitters

There is a long line of bullshitters who prey on Zimbabweans people because they think we’re dumber, or more prone to romantic thought, or more Jesus-conscious. Whether it’s pulpit salespeople, political frontmen or self-help/motivational books authors, many of us love a good bullshit story.

Our souls and mental stability are just as important as our physical bodies, and if I suggested that you let an unlicensed doctor perform open-heart surgery, you’d think I was crazy, but we will give permanent space in our heads to anyone with a slick enough tongue, smart enough book title or enough con game to add “ministry” onto the end of their movement.

Buying Liquor in the Streets

It is a public secret that there has been an influx of cheap uncertified whiskeys, vodkas, spirits and brandies smuggled into the country mostly from Zambia and Mozambique over the past few years. It is also public knowledge that most of us go for it because these uncertified and counterfeit alcoholic beverages are sold at a very low compared to prices on the formal market.

Tell you what, experts from Leadership Standards Systems and Strategy warned us a year ago that those that consume such boose are at risk of suffering from numerous ailments including loss of fertility. The warning still stands.

Thinking Celebrities Owe Us Shit

Still recall what happened to the #ZimbabweanLivesMatter? Or how the barefoot goddess Ammara Brown did to that tweep Yvonne Maphosa?

Viewing Inconspicuous Riches As A Product Illuminati or Juju

Self-explanatory. Instead of speculating how someone got their big money, why don’t we focus on actually getting our own money?

ImChris Charamba

Head Storyteller at Enthuse Afrika. A Storyteller & Creator who balances nuanced & witty literary writing with a pop culture experience. Captivates raw, authentic sights, moments, feelings and conversations. Follow him on Twitter @ImChrisCharamba 

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