When we read the Bible at times, we look at Biblical characters as legends who come as close to perfection as possible. But with stories like that of Hosea and Judas, our senses are drawn to the reality that these men and women who now makes the basis of our Christian faith were not gods, but mere human beings who literally have to go through life the same way we are doing today.
What just differentiate them from us is how they reacted to the circumstances that they were subjected to. From them, we learn that no man is perfect. Each is flawed or frail, weak or insecure—no matter his station or his life’s achievement.
Most preachers today delve much on the great faith that these heroes had and not their human side, largely because any attempt to humanise biblical characters is hugely problematic.
Well, there is an anonymous Bible binger who interestingly humanised, with no filters on, some of the famous biblical characters we so love.
Check out what he had to say about them;
Adam: Good man but have problems with his wife. Also, one reference told of how his wife and he enjoyed walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife but offered to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbour’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but the congregation couldn’t handle his wife’s occupation.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Dude was just way too young to lead a parish but he did it anyway.
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he was single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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