Dear SJ
I am a 21-year-old guy and my 18-year-old friend is in a situation. He is sleeping with a 22-year-old girl who just asked him to impregnate her. The girl is dating another girl! They want him to give them a baby! And he’s up for it! I’ve told him over and over not to do it. He is inclined to not wanting to make her pregnant but insists on just having sex with her anyway since they were already doing it.
I told him a baby is an expense and things may not turn out well for him even if the baby will be theirs. I don’t know what else to tell him.
– Baby triangle in South Africa.
Dear ‘Baby triangle in South Africa’
You are a good friend. Your friend is in over his head. Firstly, that he is having sex with a woman who is in a relationship with another woman is cheating. I don’t support cheating. I’m guessing the other woman is aware that your friend is in the picture, clearly. Still, I don’t support any form of multi-partner relationships whatsoever. Uthando Nes’thembu is just a TV show, please1
Essentially, your friend would be a sperm dumper and as we all know, sperm dumping is very popular with black men. You are absolutely correct in raising consequences to him about this whole thing because he will not be an anonymous sperm donor. What if the couple decides to split during or after the pregnancy? Who would take care of the baby? What of the women’s families? Are they aware that the ladies are planning on having a family? What if the families force him to support the child illegally or legally? That is why sperm donation is an anonymous process. What will his family say?
There is a lot to think about here and at 18, your friend isn’t anywhere near thinking. At least you are. “Sex on the brain” is more like what is going on for him instead. If he insists on going ahead with this because he’s a grown ass man actually, advise him that such an arrangement will need a good lawyer for his own protection. That, however, will not shield him from the fact that he will have fathered a child in the world.
Dear SJ
I lost my parents 2 years ago to an accident and I live with my grandparents. I have an older brother who is 25 and I’m 20. He takes care of me and sends me to school. I have been depressed ever since our parents died. I am unhappy, sad and miserable. My grades have fallen dismally. I feel like I can’t talk to my brother and I know he won’t help me at all. I can’t bother him and I don’t want to seem ungrateful since he does so much for me. How do I go on like this?
– Lost.
Dear Lost
I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I want you to know that losing a parent is a very hard thing for anyone to deal with and for you at a young age it is painful. Losing both parents is double that and in the manner you say is even more heartbreaking. What you are going through and what you are feeling is normal. Please don’t think that there is something wrong with you.
Even though it’s been 2 years, you are in grief. You can talk to your brother and in fact, you should try. Chances are he is in as much grief as you are and just like you he is keeping it to himself. Since you are the one who wrote me, that means you are in a better position to deal with the grief at this stage. He needs you as much as you need him.
I’m glad you recognise his efforts in taking care of you. You are at least that rational and I applaud you for that. What about your grandparents? Consider giving them the same amount of recognition because they too lost children and are probably grieving silently. Ask them and your brother if they can take you for professional counseling and hopefully you can ask them to join you for family counseling. You will go on. If you are religious, I want you to rest assured that you will meet your parents in heaven someday.
For now, educating yourself is important so that you can take care of yourself. You will take care of your grandparents too. Your brother may have his own family and I’m sure you make a good aunt. Just as well, he may walk you down the aisle make a good uncle to your family. Go ahead – make your mom and dad proud angels (or ancestors) watching over all of you right now.
Sonny Jermain is an award-winning public health, maternal, sexual and reproductive health rights facilitator and a traditional psychic. This column appears Thursdays on Enthuse. Send questions to asksj@enthusemag.com or WhatsApp +263 77 274 8454. Follow @SonnyJermain.
