Lesson Number 1: Mind Your Own Business & When You Can’t Unlearn Your Toxic Behavior.
“The way I see it, when you ask me a question about the basis of my personal choice and religious decisions, when you ask me to explain the ideology behind my belief, or my dressing, you are asking—whether consciously or not, whether you admit it or not—that I make a case for myself on why you should respect those choices. But to do that will be to first agree that you have the right to think lowly of me and are, therefore, entitled to an explanation for why you shouldn’t. You certainly do not have the right.” Hauwa Shaffii Nuhu: When We Talk of Freedom
Lord, this gave me a fire in my soul. From the first time I read it, to the book finally being published, I felt this in my soul.
I remember the first time I read this essay I had just finished giving someone an explanation over why I am a feminist and why I was annoyed that a man on the phone (who was a client, mind you) had asked me whether or not I was married and whether or not I had the permission to work late from my husband. His words shook me. Permission? My other two colleagues, both male, couldn’t understand why this bothered me so much and why I didn’t want to work with this man.
”It wasn’t harmful and it was just words,” they said.
Yet, I couldn’t shake that thought in my head. Why was I the only one here explaining why it was okay for me to be on a work call? Why was I the only one being forced to justify calling myself a feminist and having to answer what sort of feminist I was? What sort of ’wife’ that made me?
There it was again the idea that being a wife was all that could sum up my very existence. The thing that came first. This idea that once I was married my career wouldn’t come first.
”You’ll understand one day, most men won’t stand for it.”
Stand for what? My work? I was shook. Yet I did it anyway. I justified my existence and my right to work. I discussed with a group of men why I was who I was and why I believed what I did. I explained for the thousandth time that feminism didn’t mean hate of men. I explained for the thousandth time why gender equality was important, why I deserved to have rights, including the right to work without being singled out simply because of my gender.
Recently, another person posted a seemingly innocent question.
“Is it natural for women to like the same sex?”
And I did it again. I explained that I did and why it was normal. I sat there and even though the words offended me and sent all the wrong signals in my body, I still explained.
It wasn’t the first time and it surely wouldn’t be the last.
And then I read this article. Her story, which you can read for free through the In Her Words Anthology, was about religion, specifically being a Muslim woman and it truly opened my eyes when it came to my own biases. How many times had I questioned someone else’s existence and asked seemingly well-intentioned questions under the guise of ’learning’ when instead I was feeding my own curiosity? How many times had I thought of the words, ’doesn’t she feel hot under there”? How many times had I felt worried or like if I intervened I would be helping?
I sat there and I questioned why I felt the right and entitlement to even question that in the first place. How it was any of my business. I sat there and I thanked God I had never said any of that out loud and questioned anyone’s right to worship especially considering I had no way to understand the nuances experienced therein.
I sat there and thought of how many times the media does this. We question religious choices, queer choices, feminist choices. Why are you attracted to women? Why do you dress like that? Why do you worship like that? How is it any of your business?
I sat there feeling very called out by this amazing soul I had never met and I made the promise to not question anyone’s existence ever again. Both inside and outside. I sat there and made the promise to stop explaining myself to anyone. Like James Baldwin said,
“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”
Someone’s choices, love, religion and humanity are not up for debate, question, or justification. If you truly feel like you need to know, pick up a book like In Her Words and you too can learn or unlearn a thing or two.
