Yellow, probably perceived as the color of the coward. To me a coward is a survivor, a cautious man but I guess the world sees it in a different way. I was never one to conform to social standards preached by hypocrites seeking mediocre fame or chasing some form of relevance but back to the actual story, the story of the coward.
Never was good at “chatting up” girls, in the beginning of course. Communication was always my major flaw, battled with it on a daily basis. I blame countless hours of teenage romance movies for this, always expecting it to go a certain way like the plot was already written before I even said “hello”. Classic boy meets girl, girl realises how important boy is to her and well they fall in love and all that.
Ever wondered how these high school sweetheart stories never end? Yea me to, the director never gets to that part isn’t. It’s always some cliche ending, kissing in the sun light something like that or the whole after years apart boy and girl still love each other, stronger than ever before. I wish it could have been the same for me. Such a textbook ending but God had other plans.
After a year of being single, (not by choice of course), I entered the 2nd form with confidence that surely this time I would be that lucky guy. I don’t even know why I wanted a girlfriend the concept of sex to me was still a mystery really. Maybe it was just teenage insecurities or the excitement/accomplishment of finally finding a girl with a crush on me.
To my surprise the whole shy, skinny boy thing I had going on was attractive to her in some way. Misguided child. She walked up to me and handed me a letter stipulating the exact extent of her ‘feelings’. Now when I say shy please don’t sown play this notion in your minds it was straight up tragic, so obviously this written declaration was sorta my style. With my flair for writing I instantly replied, even sprayed a bit of mom’s perfume so the paper smelled good the minute she opens the envelope. (don’t judge me).
Now everytime I hit the school corridors I could instantly pick out her big smile and beady eyes staring at me. Left me feeling ‘some type of way’… Her name escapes me right now but I would rather she remain anonymous. Now as this was my first time dealing with a girlfriend I followed exactly what I had learnt from the movies. Roses, chocolates, extravagant gifts to try show how feel about her. These gifts were always well received and in good faith I hope.
Now here is were things get interesting, fights. I’ve always been one that was ill tempered and I always failed to deal with my emotions. I blame my father for these traits. She didn’t blame him though, she always blamed me. At one point I raised my arm to her but I would never hit a woman for as long as I live. It was quickly retracted to try avoid conflict but the damage was done already.
She irritated me really, every part of my body would cringe at that stupid smile she would make when she knew I was uncomfortable with a situation. Taking advantage of my weaknesses, she loved that. Happily flaunting the gifts I gave her to all her friends. Saddest thing is she was the only girl I had ever dated so breaking up with her for me was not even an option.
This unhappiness continued for some months, slowly turning what I presumed to be love into a deep loathing for her and everything that she was. That smile that made me blush makes me clench my fist as hard as I can holding back the urge to Slap it off her. Her big cheeks probably full of all the lies ready to be spouted by that dirty mouth. Beady eyes almost snake like, soulless and nothing but cold blooded.
After seeking my friends Council they came up with a plan for me to end this relationship. Trust me I was not comfortable with this idea at all. The plan was we would look for the least beautiful girl in our stream and I would proceed to “lay mack” in their words.
The most grotesque and foul looking creature imagine that with a bit of hair and a poorly cleaned school uniform. I’m pretty sure you would gag from the odour that came from her clothing. I mean I really wasn’t comfortable with this plan now. This was surely not going to end well.
She walked into the room all smiles and laughs chatting with her friends. That soon changed when she took a glance to the classroom corner where the “beast” was settled. Placed around this “beastly” body was my arm, with my lips planted on her crusty skin. Got to make it believable my friends said, I should have never listened.
One could see the tear stains on the envelope.
Dear Matthew
“You have embarrassed me Matthew, how could you. Why her, what did I do to deserve this. Why couldn’t you just tell me what the problem is we could have fixed it together or if it was not working for you we could have respectively gone our separate ways. No one has ever treated me this way, I want nothing to do with you.
You are a coward. ”
It wasn’t until later in life I realised what that meant, being a coward. Running from ones emotions and not being able to come face to face with the deep emotions that may actually be bothering you. Maybe it’s a boy thing but I have encountered it time after time in different people. We wish we could run from our emotions but the truth is the more we run the more they consume us. Taking over the small daily aspects of our life and affecting us terribly. It would probably be easier just to deal with them then and there really.
CHAPTER ONE END….
