Submitted by Farai Mberi
Ah, The peak of winter (sub Saharan Africa). Not a sigh of relief but the kind of ‘Ah’ the natives use to express disappointment. An example of how you can use it in a sentence is; “Ah, Not again.” It’s the local onomatopoeia like the word ‘pfe-e’ (puh-fee) an expressive word for a grand entrance, gas leak or a silent fart. The kind of functional redundancy that makes it easy to make puns out of African words. Which also makes me wonder if that’s the reason I couldn’t make it as a rapper. So many, way too many, can twist words. Every African Shake spear! See what I did there? We make and bend the rules to language here. You wouldn’t police us. You wouldn’t dare. You know how black people feel about the police at the time of writing so stay in your place. Rest in peace Arlton Sterling and Philando Castile.
I’m happy. Not because it’s all good. NO. In fact i’m broke. I don’t have a reliable data plan and if I don’t type and proofread this piece in time a background app will exhaust my data before I post it but I’m happy. My sister has this theory that I have this failure to pick out the correct emotional reaction towards anything. Her explanation? I must have scrambled the part of my brain that regulates my emotions when i got hit by a truck and suffered a concussion.
It’s a scary thought that I could gain supreme confidence from the most embarrassing things in life or get easily depressed by the fact Serena Williams has much bigger legs than mine despite being the most active on leg day. Okay that’s self inflicted body shaming but you get the point. I’m weird! So is everybody else I mean how did Africa decide melanin should trend at a time when we are being persecuted for it? Support my skin lightening cream business! It’s like when girls at Rhodes University decided it’s time to go topless to end rape culture or that inebriated girl on instagram who repeatedly posted #WeWillNotBeConsored accompanied by a pic of her not wearing a sanitary pad as if that would shoo her next period away.
Here’s an insane thought, though. See, regardless of how crazy it made them look we celebrated it. It made them unique but all subscribing to the concept of crazy. Well, its the one thing that makes us people. Like our shared passion for breathing. We all wanna do it and don’t tell me it’s a reflex action. I can hold my breath at will but because I love breathing it becomes uncomfortable and I have done it wild times since birth I have become so good at it I do it in my sleep. You can tell how much everybody loves it by how greedy they get with it after being without air. It’s got to a point where it became a little embarrassing to call it by it’s name they came up with euphemism for it, gasping. So stop it with the nonsense! I’m letting you know now. You are crazy. You all are!
You have all bought into the idea that having someone to cuddle with or your ability to put insane amounts of sugar in coffee mug automatically makes winter fun. Apart from the thought that land is ridiculously cheap in Antarctica. I can’t imagine what could make me like the cold. It’s not enough to cause excitement. Kind of reminds me of the days I had trouble swallowing pills. I would crash the damn things and dissolve them in a glass of water. I would also add sugar and close my eyes while trying to guzzle the distasteful solution at one go but I would always fail. I would have dealt with only half of the glass every single time.
Then make mourning sounds as I gradually sipped the contents empty. I HATE winter and I would be proud to know that I successfully put my point across?? If not then you probably shouldn’t have trouble listening to me complain about the cold. Like how everything is crooked in such climates; blankets and jerseys are credited for the warmth we generate.Thirty seven degrees baba. You’re weird if you’re asking through what am I driving my point. You do not deserve to live. With your good imagination I’m hoping you are thinking its a spear point and drive it through your own belly. I repeat I hate winter and you would too if you tried working on a blog with frost bites. Taking one for the team! So as the word goes… Pfe-e! Tapinda tapinda (Shona for we’re in here), Birth Write has to be one of those crazy ideas.
