Dear SJ
My girlfriend and l are having serious problems. She always complains every day and is moody for days when we have a problem. Most of the things we fight about l feel they are just petty and silly but whenever l try to genuinely explain myself to her and she says l am full of excuses. She focuses more on the bad things than the good that l do and it has really drained me to the extent that l have kind of found closure in someone else. l love my girlfriend a lot and it’s not my intention to hurt her. I have been a good boyfriend who never cheated but however, l feel like that made her too comfortable. The new girl is sweet, beautiful and l enjoy talking to her a lot and sometimes she even calls and has plans for us to spend time together when she comes from her job out of town. I am really scared and at this moment, l don’t even know what l am doing. What l do know is that if it blows, it will be disastrous. Please help. I love her but she doesn’t make me happy anymore.
–Split in two.
Dear ‘Split in two’
There is quite a lot to unpack here. When a relationship ends up with so much baggage, it really is time to hit the departure lounge. Fast! I’ll start with “serious problems.” That on its own is your red card to give your girlfriend. Oh dear – she “complains every day?” Everyday! That’s enough to drive any man crazy. What does she complain about? I won’t even go into “moody for days” because I have never come across anyone who likes a moody person.
So are you really full of excuses? I wonder. She could well be right about that. Or she really could be “petty and silly.” As you may know, it’s very difficult for me to take sides with guys and yet I am inclined to believe that she well could be petty and silly. I can imagine how draining it is.
Bravo for not cheating! I wouldn’t say that she became comfortable because you didn’t cheat on her. She just wasn’t there yet as a woman. Many times we are simply incompatible to some people. It could be artistic incompatibility – she has no sense. It could be astronomical incompatibility – she has not schooled. It could be astrological incompatibility – she has no star. It could be ancestral incompatibility – she has no style.
Or it could be you!
You attract what you are.
You are responsible for disconnecting from the bad side of yourself that you attract.
There is a bright side of the moon and there is a dark side of the moon. You have to figure yourself out and see which side of yours you attract in other people. It’s no easy task.
Here is the imminent dark side. You now have two girlfriends. You are cheating on your current one. Does Girlfriend #2 know about #1? By your own admission, you are afraid of the blow up that will happen when your girlfriend finds out. Sound like she has a lot of anger issues and that’s her dark side that you are afraid of. Anger is stage 2 of depression. A relationship shouldn’t make you feel that scared. That is another red card you should hand to your girlfriend. Too many red cards here.
You are free to move on to the new woman. Just let go of the old one. Go where your needs are being met and stick there. It goes without saying that use due protection. Get tested, hopefully together, as you begin a new relationship. I want you as a man – and all the other men out there – to always know what you what does.
Sonny Jermain is an award-winning public health, maternal, sexual and reproductive health rights facilitator and a traditional psychic. This column appears Thursdays on Enthuse. Send questions to asksj@enthusemag.com or WhatsApp +263 77 274 8454. Follow @SonnyJermain.
