Dear SJ
I’m in my early 30’s just like my boyfriend. Both of us have a child from previous relationships but we have blended in very well and things are going great for 4 years now. I want us to get married and he’s reluctant saying he wants us to have a child first. I’m torn by this and I’m not sure whether I should go along.
– Wed or baby.
Dear ‘Wed or baby’
The thing is people no longer value relationships these days. Marriage is an actual contract and it’s definitely not for little boys and girls. I believe in marriage and I always have. I take it that both of you had children out of wedlock previously. I really wish that people wouldn’t do that. I’m yet to come across a culture, tribe, race, tradition or religion that doesn’t believe in marriage except for plants and animals!
Your man is trying to be a little boy basing your relationship on his previous relationship. That means there is stuff he hasn’t worked on about his ex, women or relationships in general. Lucky for you, you have blended your family very well and I applaud that. Step-parenting is another ballpark on its own.
Let’s get scheming over here. I suppose you go to church. That is what that community is there for. Start hanging with other married couples. Find a way to get invited into the “married people club.” Eventually, the other brothers will nudge him in the right direction. The pastor/priest will surely catch him – it’s their job to promote marriage within their flock.
If you are not religious, you can still hang out with the married people band as well. It could be workmates or within each other’s families. When other married people see marriage potential in others, they sure point it out.
Ultimately, you have to have a conversation with him about why you want to get married. Tell the truth. Tell him the truth – which is that you don’t want to make a mistake. Tell him about why marriage is important to you. It seems like he only needs a little bit of a push. It took my best friends’ mom and my mom 13 and 25 years respectively to get white ones and that’s only because they didn’t require it of their men until late in life. Remember, black men, don’t come from a culture of signing contracts let alone marriage ones.
Dear SJ
I’m in bad space right now. I keep finding myself thinking about my ex-boyfriend and yet I’m with another guy right now. I can’t seem to get over him. My current dude is taking things very serious and wants to pay lobola. Where do I go from here?
– In a fix.
Dear ‘In a fix’
You are wasting your boyfriend’s time. You are being very selfish because you are stringing someone along. That makes you an actor. You are not living. You are acting and you have put yourself in a bad movie. It’s not good that you are making your boyfriend an actor when he is serious about you and he doesn’t even know that you are not committed.
Do the mature thing and free him to be with someone who can love him because you don’t. And that is ok too – you simply don’t love him. Sadly, your acting skills are that great that he cannot see that you don’t love him. Now that’s not good. For both of you!
Look how you have fooled him into wanting to marry you and yet you are absent from the relationship. You cannot get married in this state. Clearly, he is just as delusional as you are. Let’s get back to reality, please. I can’t even recommend that you work things out. It’s unfair to him. It’s unfair to you.
As for your feelings about your ex, when you break up with your boyfriend, only then you can try to reach out to him and see if he is available. Sometimes having a bit of time apart works to help lovers grow. Most times it does not.
Sonny Jermain is an award-winning public health, maternal, sexual and reproductive health rights facilitator and a traditional psychic. This column appears Thursdays on Enthuse. Send questions to asksj@enthusemag.com or WhatsApp +263 77 274 8454. Follow @SonnyJermain.
