I was walking to the supermarket a few days ago when I was accosted by a very drunk John Doe –probably older than me – who happened to “Ask SJ” in person right off the bat as if he knew to ask. Here is a translated exact conversation we had
JD: What would you do if your girlfriend whom you love so much stays in a different city?
SJ: Marry her!
JD: Eish!
SJ: Yes! The Census in 2015 reports that Ndebele men don’t like to get into lawful wedded bliss.
JD: (Laughs) Oh come on! The thing is she works and that’s why she stays out of town.
SJ: Even better. She is a productive member of society. As a woman that works she will contribute to your home. She can also buy you one of those beers you are carrying!
JD: Since she’s so far away, I’m worried out of my mind about other guys you know… doing “that thing” to her.
SJ: It’s natural to think that. In fact, it’s unavoidable to not think of her cheating on you and yet you have to have trust. It’s important. If you can’t shake that feeling off, then you have to make her come to you or you move to her.
JD: Ukhuluma njengedoda heh! (You speak like a real man!)
SJ: Hehe!
JD: She’s a teacher. We are both teachers actually. I found her the job in the rural areas and I teach here.
SJ: Ah, that’s very simple then! She comes here during the weekends. You go to her during the weekend. The two of you alternate visits. There are 3 holidays per year and you can be together then as well.
JD: Ukhuluma njengedoda heh! (You speak like a real man!)
SJ: Hehe!
JD: What about all that up and down?
SJ: Then you are the one who will have to transfer to the rural areas buddy…
JD: Akula plan! (There’s no other option.)
[Ends]
We all need a push. Even where some things are pretty obvious, speaking to someone neutral helps. Friends are generally not the best at giving each other advice and that’s only because many of us actually have bad friends in the first place. You will find that drunken John Doe probably has a set of drunken friends who tell him that getting married is a bad idea and that his girlfriend by being far away is screwing around.
Dear SJ:
My friends are seriously into ass while I’m more of a breasts guy. They think I’m crazy. Am I?
– Analysing anatomy.
Dear ‘Analysing anatomy’
No, you are not crazy. You have a preference that is different from your friends. That is all. It doesn’t mean you love ass any less. You just love breasts more. Black dudes typically go ape sh*t – no pun intended – about a woman with a big butt.
Either way, you and your friends have a natural appetite for the female form – it’s the curves that you all love back and/or front. Educate your shallow friends henceforth because I’ll have you know that women love both their bums and boobs ok!
Sonny Jermain is an award-winning public health, maternal, sexual and reproductive health rights facilitator and a traditional psychic. This column appears Thursdays on Enthuse. Send questions to asksj@enthusemag.com or WhatsApp +263 77 274 8454. Follow @SonnyJermain.
