Dear SJ
I am a 27-year-old guy with three girlfriends. The first one is my main chick and the other two are side-chicks. #3 knows about the other two and doesn’t mind. She comes on to me and meets my needs when #1 and #2 are not around. She has money and spends on me. #2 comes and goes as she stays out of town but her sister who stays near told her about my other girlfriends. I always use protection.
#1 is so rude when we argue. Last year I went through her phone and discovered she cheated on me. I asked her about it and she said she did it to “detox.” I was furious but we worked things out and I forgave her. I have a steady small business and I would like to marry her soon. I’m confused about my whole situation. Where do I go from here?
– ‘Girlfriend goes on a peculiar ‘detox’’
Dear ‘Girlfriend goes on a peculiar ‘detox’’
I generally don’t recommend marriage and baby-making for any human being below the age of 30. Rarely, is anyone ready below that age. They really mean it when they say “life begins at 40.”
At 27, you are just about there. There are three stages of a male’s life – The Tease, The Fuck and The Man. The Tease is where a male is confused about women. The Fuck is just like The Tease with the addition of sex and unstable relationships. The Man is in a stable relationship usually in marriage without cheating. Nobody teaches boys to be men. 66.6% of the world’s male population does not become The Man (33.3%) because they are busy being The Tease and The Fuck!
And so you are The Fuck, clearly. You want to upgrade to be The Man. I don’t promote or support cheating ever! I take it Girl #1 does not know about Girls #2 and #3. I’m sorry that #1 claimed cheating was a “detox” for her. I can only hope that you worked things out so well that she will not do it again since you want to marry her.
Where you go from here is to leave the other “side chicks” – that simple. I have never understood this “main/side chicks” thing. I have “cured” many young men from that habit in my private practice. Your upcoming marriage will fall apart in no time if you continue with the other two women. I am glad you use protection (when you remember to, right?) because, in my line of therapy, I do not help dudes be The Tease or be The Fuck.
Dear SJ
I’m in my mid 30’s and I have a child with my previous woman. My new girlfriend is in her mid 20’s and I’m really into her. She loves me plus she is caring but I just don’t want to waste my time or to get twisted like in my previous relationship with the mother of my child. I have plans to build a rural homestead and she is keen about the idea. She reveres me as a man and is respectful. Is it safe for me to proceed?
– ‘Hesitant about marriage.’
Dear ‘Hesitant about marriage’
That is the number one question I get asked a lot! People have been burned so much by relationships and taking the next step is more like a pole vault high jump with a short stick. A recent study by the Ministry of Health and Child Care revealed that 85% of Zimbabweans consult prophets, faith and traditional healers. We would be filthy rich mediums if we had the ability to forecast the longevity of relationships. There simply is no such.
Love is work.
From the sound of things, you have met someone who is willing “to work” with you “in love.” The age gap is perfect – yep, the elders are usually right about that one. With all the good things you mention about her, the next step is for you to make good on your intentions and be The Man you want to be. You have to snap out of “women are like this” the same way she has to snap out of “men are like that” and there is only one way to find out.
Dear SJ
I am an 18-year old man and I’m having a great sex affair with 24-year-old single woman who has a child. She says she loves me and often asks that I don’t use a condom but I refuse. Her brother doesn’t like me at all and we have to play hide and seek.
– ‘I Am Confused.’
Dear I Am Confused
You are in that sex stage of a male’s life. At 24, she wanting you to not use a condom means two things: she wants you to be the next father of her next baby and/or that she wants to expose you to a sexually transmitted infection/STI.
No, you are not confused at all – she is. You are not ready to be a father, a step father or a husband! You most certainly do not want to catch an STI. Keep the condom on. Also, it’s clear that you are not in love and are not interested in anything further than the sex. You are not even a boyfriend. This means you may be asking for trouble being in a sexual affair with a woman that is in love with you while you are not.
Sonny Jermain is an award winning public health, maternal, sexual and reproductive health rights facilitator and a traditional psychic. This column appears Thursdays on #ENTHUSE. Send to asksj@enthusemag.com or WhatsApp +263 77 274 8454. Follow @SonnyJermain on Twitter.
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