Always a been a good boy or well I tried to be. A set of rules was laied out to me and I followed. Sometimes we fall off the wagon, we all have those moments that we wish could just disappear. Moments of weakness, envy, even moments of lust. That last one ‘lust’ the most troublesome of all. In moments of lust we get so lost on what we crave, what we want more than what we need. The things we want are usually destructive and regret fills our hearts.
I believed I loved her with all my heart but that’s the thing about our beliefs more often than not they can lead us astray. She was the most deceitful woman I have met to date, every word was a lie. I guess the truth is difficult for others cause she did seem troubled by it. Besides that she was a passionate person caring even. The most confusing character ever really since those two descriptions should not even be mixed together.
This relationship didn’t start of with some extravagant gesture of love or a declaration of the hearts intent. There were no feelings no previous emotions attached to one another. I guess we simple decided that since we were both single and both consenting adults with some degree of attractiveness why not date. It was simple really and more people should try it out you never know you could meet the ‘one’.
She had a hold on me like no girl before, the gaze of her eyes can only be compared to those of the mythical Medusa, who with just a glance would turn anything to stone. That’s how I felt, after all the lies the cheating I was nothing but stone. One would ask why I didn’t leave her, well that was just it, I was stuck. Her hold on me greater than before and deepening with every kiss, every touch and every embrace. I sold my soul to her, that’s what it felt like.
It’s a curse really what some women can turn us into and sure it would be easy to blame them but the reality is that we allowed it. We allow people into our lives, we allow them to break out security walls but the worst is that we allow them to steal our innocence. Such a shame the things we subject ourselves to. Anyway back to the story.
I was in love and being in love means we are naive, careless all those other things that really just slow down the brains functions. She cared for me I knew that it was just in her nature to be self destructive. It was like she couldn’t be happy for too long, like it pained her to be happy with me.
She cheated and kept cheating it never stopped. Each occasion with its own excuse and explanation. Each as painful as the last. As time passed it finally got to me, what was I doing in this relationship? Why would I endure such when I could just walk away and be happy? I couldn’t, maybe it was a part of my own self destructive nature holding me back. A need for chaos, for things to be so out of order it was almost like I enjoyed it. Any other person would have walked away and searched for better but not me.
The unexplainable happened, she awoke a dark inert part of me. I wanted revenge, I wanted to get back at her for all those times she caused me pain and grief. We were both pure (virgins) planning to offer ourselves to each other when the opportunity arose, it never did. We never got the chance.
Ask for sin and the devil will provide. Driving my friends around we suddenly ran into this fine specimen. Light skinned, soft smile and oh my was she a sight for sore eyes. We exchanged contacts and started chatting behind my girlfriends back. It was all exciting and new for me. Two women at the same time who would have thought it possible, young Matthew you have done well for yourself.
One day my parents were out of town so I envied this new girl to my place. Food turned into sex chats and well before you know it we were kissing on my bed. My heart raced as my thoughts were all over the place. What if I’m bad at it? What if it’s small? What do I even do? Pondering over these questions as i carried on kissing her gently and softly.
She finally stopped me and asked “aren’t you going to take of your clothes”. I had forgotten the most simple of things I was dumbfounded. Nervously I took my jeans off and proceeded to help her undress. Her soft skin rubbing against mine it’s was bliss. It was over! Never felt like such a man before, I could brag about it now. Me and my friends can finally be on the same level, same train of thought.
Yes back to my girlfriend, I couldn’t live with my actions really. It hurt everytime she told me about her day or asked how I’m feeling. She would always smile kiss my cheek and tell me she loves me it was all unbearable. I grabbed her and asked her if she loves me, her reply obviously yes. I proceeded to tell my deeds, how it went down, what I was thinking, how sorry I was and all that. I’ve never seen her look so blank. Tears streaming from her face she said no words for a good 30 minutes. She just looked at me, I felt like I was burning up just from her stare. She finally managed to get a hold on herself and managed to utter 3 words.
Sometimes when we do something we regret there is no turning back. We wish we could turn back the clock but in reality we really cannot. Lust, such an evil thing. All we have are memories of how we lost it, how everything crumbled down. I knew one thing for certain, I was never the same.