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What Am I Becoming? A Short Journal of A Situational Queer

What have you become?’ What are you becoming?

He felt like a stranger to himself. Yet he did not even know who he was. Nor what he was before he began to feel like a stranger. Profusely, he scratches his skin trying to peel off the scent of his homosexual act that had chemically and spiritually attached itself to his physical being. Ambiguously, it could not be separated from him for it had become him and he became it which was beyond matrimony union. Happy, however, in doubt if he became happy the conscious way. He had been raped by his liberal mentality. 

He had done something he never had a negative view about psychologically but had a disdain for physically. He looked at himself on a shattered glass bottle and was bleak to his own reflection although the disgust within him was evident. He wanted to retch himself out yet he needed to keep ingested to himself a small portion of himself. He asked himself viciously;

“What have you become?’’ The question was wrong. He tried again; “What are you becoming?”

Psychologically, he had respect and no qualms whatsoever with queer people. Albeit, he was disgusted by the lifestyle, physicality and hypersexualisation of it when it was done before him. Imagine the tragedy of it all when he found himself disgusted with himself when he felt the same way. How had he become a homosexual? Was he bisexual now?

No, he had evolved to be a situational homosexual individual. Situational homosexual?

He spat at himself in amazement and softly interrogated himself,

“Now your thoughts are numb. Your inner voice is speaking though inaudible. How did it feel? How do you feel now? You have become what you despised and spat on with your human nature. You are trembling more than an earth tremor and comforting yourself that it will go away yet you are aware that the aftermath of it will live on with you even up to the afterlife. Tomorrow the aftermath will go away but it will not go a distant away enough from you to separate yourself from it, for you have become it. What have you become? What are you becoming? You have no answer for that for you find neither yourself not being in between nor centrist but in no man’s land. Are you straight?Are you bisexual? Probably not, for you are not in a sexual relationship with any one of the opposite gender. But you have sexual feelings for someone of the opposite gender yet you just had sex with someone who has the same gender as yours. Are you gay then? You are situational homosexual; you are homosexual in some situations and non-homosexual in other situations. How did it feel seeing yourself in a physical position you had a deep disdain for yet you could not outmanoeuvre yourself in that position. Was it your psychological state that enjoyed the physical position to a point whereby your physical being submitted to your mental will at its own peril?”

He fully got undressed in the streets then lighted the clothes he had removed in a desire to raze down the stench of the sin he had committed. Deep down, he tries to justify that it is wrong than a sin. He laughed at himself in sorrow with fiery eyes.

“Poor you, yet satisfied. Disgusted with yourself though fulfilled internally. Happy, however, in doubt if you became happy the conscious way. Were you happy when you were in the situation of homosexuality? Oh! Homosexuality offends you. Okay, were you happy when you were in the situation of bisexuality? Even when you are convincing yourself that you are bisexual, you know it is furthest from the truth when you are saying it to yourself for you have no sexual partner of the opposite sex. I do not think you are gay. You are gay. For mentally you were okay with it and your mentality dictates your physical nature. You just found yourself, put yourself or you were positioned in a situation whereby your physical nature did not submit to your mental instincts but blossomed to its full human nature with your mental state and physical state in one accord. Your mind says yes but your body is telling no?  How could you say no to yourself when you are doing what gives you pleasure and fulfilment?”

A hypocrite you are. A self-righteous hypocrite. A messiah who is a sinner is what you are. What are you and who are you??

Asher Munashe Mutandiro

Asher Munashe Mutandiro is a multidimensional storyteller who is very passionate about digital content creation and marketing.

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