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Passion Java Need Better Hobbies

Passion Java Need Better Hobbies
Along with all the insensitivity, ignorance, psychosis, criminality, and stupidity displayed, the sheer ennui of Java’s cruel hoax was just as conspicuous.

Even as the pandemic has frustrated so much of our activity, think for a moment of all the shit you still have planned for the next several days. A virtual yoga class you wish to take. A book you need to finish. A show you want to binge on. A recipe you’re anxious to try. A bedroom you need to reconfigure. A car that needs repair. A work thing that needs work thing-ing. A back that needs breaking. A Peloton that needs to be ignored.

Now, imagine how many things you’d have to abort in order to have ample time to put as much effort into breaking news, spiteful gossip and whispering campaigns and, most importantly, the performance of gossip mongers, blabbermouths, windbags, and bullshitters as Panganai Java, notoriously known as Passion Java, hawked a moony, concocted obituary of comedienne Madam Boss. According to the dude, she’d died of COVID-19.

You’d have to cancel all Valentine’s plans you had; you’d have to opt-out of that Zoom or WhatsApp video happy hour call you really don’t want to attend but projected to anyway because relationships require maintenance, and you might even had to miss even going to the bathroom scrolling tabloid after tabloids to get a corroborating gist.

Along with all the insensitivity, ignorance, psychosis, criminality, and stupidity displayed, the sheer ennui of Java’s cruel hoax was just as flagrant. And it’s not that he was annoyed when he made that video and the ill-advised decision to post it. He was having the time of his life, and that’s the point. These are people who have nothing else to do but conjure opportunities to dress up, gear up, and chase clout at whatever cost, even if it comes with dragging other people’s names and brands in the muddy, because being famous, trending and gaining the clout Cobain tag ain’t just a characteristic for them. It’s a vocation. A respite. A motherf*cking hobby.

Just take a look at the video.

Although some really pissed folks and the comedienne’s camp were effective to check and reprimand Java for his ill-advised decision to parcel a seemingly heartfelt sincerity with his barefaced, crass quest for somewhat unwarranted attention, we knew that wasn’t the end for him as he subsequently issued a follow-up video defending himself, saying people should stop paying attention to gossip but good news.


“Nhasi ndarira kuti ririririri, ndaposta video ndichiti Madam Boss vashaya, havashayi vayavaya, vanowana Mai vayavaya. Ndikuda kukudzidzisa kuti munhu wechirume usade makuwa vakadzi obvious vanoda makuwa. Ndika poster video kuti Gamuchirai Jesu inoita one thousand views in one hour 200 comments but panda poster Madam Boss vashaya ndaita 11 thousand views in 25 minutes kuda makuwa, Wadzidza waanya!! Kuti nyenyenyeye. Handzi musatambe nerufu. Atisi kutamba nerufu tikutoda kudzidzisa tuma Prophets twenyu tuya twaiti Madam Boss varikufa varikufa, varimupenyu izvezvi wanya!” he said in the video.

It’s just a clout-chasing windbag whistle after a clout-chasing unrelenting windbag torrent.

Given how vast human pleasing stories and topics are on the interweb, a better use of time, data, and bandwidth would’ve been to help Passion Java and others like him find activities other than gossip-soliciting, I-want-to-trend preparations, and blabber mouthing performances. Him and his likes just can’t think of things to do other than this.

Perhaps they might need to try flying some fucking kites? Or bake some bread? Or grow some weed? My two-year-old cousin is really into bubbles right now. He likes to blow them. He likes to catch them. He likes to swallow them and scare the shit out of us.

And bubble-blowing would be a perfect hobby for Panganai. Zimbabwe needs more bubbles and less…whatever the hell he did in that video is.

ImChris Charamba

Head Storyteller/Critic at Large in Culture at Enthuse Afrika

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