Ask SJ

#AskSJ: She Says Sex Is Painful


Dear SJ

I’m 21 and I need help. I’ve been dating my 22-year old girlfriend for a while and we decided to have sex. It was her first time sleeping with a guy. It was not good at all because she kept complaining that it was painful and we ended up stopping. I really want her to enjoy it and I want to enjoy it too. I don’t know what we should to do to make it less painful for her. It took me a while to get her to have sex with me and I really like her a lot. It was my first time being with a virgin.
– Virgin territory.


Dear ‘Virgin territory’

This is fairly common for virgin women and I can put it to you that every guy who tried to have sex with a virgin had sex brakes applied.

I love the language you are using and you strike me as having a healthy view of relationships. Some young people get it right by sheer luck. It will always be challenging for a man to encounter a virgin woman. Women are taught to guard their virginity jealously and men, on the other hand, are taught to “deflower” women as a symbol of manhood. Society is dead wrong on both accounts. I’ll leave it at that because I have a few books to write about sex.

So she says it’s painful. Yep, it is actually painful. She wouldn’t say it was painful if it wasn’t. It’s good that you want her to enjoy it as much as you do. Whenever I do in person facilitation I always ask young men if they ever care that a woman actually enjoys it.

Sex – like everything in life really – has a learning curve. Since you are the experienced one over here and you like this girl so much, it rests upon you to be the leader in bed. Take your time. Patience will be your skill. You’ve got her to drop the panties so stay in the lane. Don’t go in telling yourself that you are having sex. Think of it as practice and tell her that you guys are in practice to reduce the pressure on both of you.

I’ve always told young men who cared to listen that you have to respect someone that takes off their clothes for you. What a level of guts that shit takes!

During this “practice,” start slow. Resist the urge to be the humping bunny of the year running on fresh Duracell’s! Give her some time to adjust to the invasion of your penis and be still without moving. You have to then develop a rhythm from there. Again, resist the urge to act out your porn fantasies. You chose to be with a virgin, so be there.

Foreplay is your friend and most men are clueless there. Do more kissing, nibbling and touching before the main event to get her to relax. The vagina is a muscle and like all muscles, it needs to relax before a workout. Get some lubricant at your pharmacy. It’s a bit pricey. If you are in college, scout around because many organisations give free lubrication sachets and condoms in campuses countrywide.


Dear SJ

I am a 23-year old lady and I’ve been seeing a married guy for 6 months. He is amazing, charming and sweet. We get along very well and I’m falling for him. Would he leave his wife and 3 kids for me? Should I continue having fun or should I leave? What can I do?
– To leave or not to leave.


Dear ‘To leave or not to leave’

Oh dear… Leave.

Some women and men love cheating and yet I’ve never encountered a society that promotes cheating. Even polygamous societies have a strict procedure to be followed by a man who requires multiple partners in life or otherwise it would be chaos. Shady hey…? I’m not a fan of cheating and I’m not a fan of polygamy. He’s not as amazing, charming or as sweet as you think.

It’s very rare for a married man to leave his wife for a cheat. “Small house…?” No, y’all just cheats. No house. As far as I’m concerned, there are only 3 situations when a man leaves his wife for a mistress; (i) if he/she moves to another part of the world, (ii) if she cheats on him and (iii) if she dies.



Sonny Jermain is an award-winning public health, maternal, sexual and reproductive health rights facilitator and a traditional psychic. This column appears Thursdays on Enthuse. Send questions to or WhatsApp +263 77 274 8454. Follow @SonnyJermain.











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