Image Credit: Carl Joshua Ncube
COMMENTARY

Working With Your Spouse, Some Tips By Carl Joshua Ncube

#EnthuseLife

I only wrote this article because someone said to me that working with your spouse is a disaster. Then someone said RELATIONSHIPS DON’T work and I realised people who say that have never really WORKED ON A RELATIONSHIP. For example, your brother or sister remains your brother or sister regardless of that they do but the one person in your life you have been allowed to CHOOSE you can split up with or divorce because of something they said very easily. Well, I am going to show you in this article 10 things you must do to WORK WELL with your partner! It’s good if you go into business with your partner but just generally is good if you just want your relationship to work better.

Leadership is not assumed
A relationship has 2 people, both cannot lead, one has to be the visionary the other the executor. One must think WHAT the other must think HOW. Leadership must not be assumed, it is earned. It is something you get from your partner. You notice I am very clear not to mention WHICH SEX DOES WHAT because this is nothing to do with GENDER it has everything to do with who is qualified for the job in moving your family forward. There are two aspects that need leadership, the company and the home, it doesn’t follow that if you lead the company you lead the home. For example in the Ncube household, I had to pitch to my wife that I wanted to lead, I gave her the vision and she has trusted me with the job.

Define roles
Once you know who is doing what in the relationship define what roles you will play. Who is the people person, who deals with money better, who does admin or operations and who does budgeting? Who is the disciplinarian who is the bridge builder? Good cop, bad cop. There are so many roles, spread them between each other, but use the time to define those roles, you won’t figure it out today, it will take time.

Choose your together habit
Whatever happens each day there has to be things that you do together and agree to do together even if you are fighting. Nelsy and I bath together, it is both our right to share the shower or bath even when we are fighting. That is the only place where the other cannot ask for privacy. If you want to be alone, take a second bath but the first one will be with me!

Fight, but make up
If you are willing to fight with a colleague or your boss then do the same with your partner I guarantee it would be more profitable than fighting about who left the toilet seat up.
You must know that fighting is part and parcel of any relationship. For those who know Nelsy and I closely have had the pleasure of sitting awkwardly in our epic fights that happen often. Nelsy and I at the surface are very patient about what we believe in. We share a common desire but different methods of reaching that goal, so it results in fights mostly over execution or communication. Beneath the surface is an agreement that we made that DIVORCE or splitting up will never be the result of any fight. None must feel the threat of a divorce or separation. When that fear is in a relationship it changes the way you resolve fights. Remember that dating teaches you how to split up more than it teaches you to stay married. Read my Facebook note on RELATIONSHIPS and STARTING A FIRE and you will understand how to make a relationship that works.

Communicate
You must always use your mouth for communication more than you use it sexually (sorry to be crude). Communicate about everything. Learn how to communicate with each other better and better. Communication is like a well-cleaned instrument. The more your fix, tune and clean it the better the sound and the clearer the two of you will become.

Resolve during downtime
Don’t fix each other’s faults during fights. Pick the happier moments using tact to fix things that bother you. Remember to not keep things festering because it will erupt in a bad way. Find ways of affectionately making fun of each other, if you can’t find a loving way to say it then don’t say it. Try a few times and perfect how to tell your partner if they have done something wrong. But at times I find positive reinforcement to be a better way of flushing out the bad. Focus on what your partner does well and reward it as much as possible.

Trust
Do not be God in your partner’s life, trust God to be God in your partner’s life. Do not play mind games or try to fix your partner, it will only make things worse. Trust that when the chips are down your partner will do the right thing and if they don’t find ways to forgive. I am not talking about infidelity, I am merely talking about TRUSTING the one you are with. Don’t get angry about things that haven’t happened i.e. he looks at other women, therefore, he will cheat, he compliments other women, therefore, he will cheat.

Invest in the relationship
Take time to put time into your relationship. Build goodwill with each other. Date night, holidays, gifts, personal time, acts of service. Just fulfill each other’s love languages like how you save money in the bank, a little bit at a time and often enough your business relationship will yield positive results. Learn more about each other so you have a Ph.D. in your partner, study them, learn about them, invest time in them.

Dream together
You have to sit down and dream about the kind of life you want your business to afford you. Remember that even though you make money you must enjoy working together. Visit websites like pinterest.com and simply put mood boards of everything you ever wanted in your life. Don’t argue about it, just look at each other’s mood board and see how your dreams are wonderfully similar or even wonderfully different.

Have plenty sex
Do I need to say more here? I am sure you both understand how this is important. Sex is the cheerleader of your relationship. It’s the champagne after the win, it’s the fireworks after the agricultural show (Zimbabwe Reference)!

 Carl Joshua Ncube

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